1. First I buy new pair of white ballet pumps from Payless shoes and deliberately dribble blood red nail polish over the toes.
2. Next I make myself look as hideous as possible. This is most easlily achieved by putting a pair of tights on my head, slathering on eye make-up and drawing fake scratches on my chest. If it's a really big night I adopt a permanent look of resigned despair (which has the added bonus of illustrating how much I would benefit from a little botox).
3. After that I pull on my "Rehab" wig (get yours for £9.99 from any reputable wig seller) and take one of those annoying self-portrait pictures at arms length.
4. Finally, I make my boyfriend dress as jailed, drug-addled, loser (stupid hat mandatory) and we hit the town.