Karoons

Putting pen to paper

Today I received a group email from someone who I previously thought was sane. It ended on an extended rant regarding something totally ridiculous.

But it made me think of some emails I'd like to send.

Dear Vodaphone,

Personally I don't like the fact that this month you have direct debited my account 124 pounds. Yes I have a worrying addiction to text messages and a chronic case of laziness that stops me from changing to a better plan. However, if I die of scurvy brought on by my pauper's diet of Rice Crispies you should know I am holding you responsible. I may even haunt you.

Yours haughtily
Kay

Dear Mr Morrison

Personally I do not like the floral, maroon tabards with matching clip on neck ties that you make your check-out staff wear. They are an affront to my eyes (and memory). You should know I am boycotting Morrison's own liquid soap until you reconsider your actions. Yes, even if you make it buy-one-get-one-free. That's how strongly I feel about this matter.

Yours in a self-aggrandizing way
Kay (check-out chick of the year, 1999)

Dear Paul Morley

Personally, I don't like your face.

Yours only in the event of a huge nuclear accident
Kay

Things that make me go Raaaaah!

Paul Morley! Almost every time I open a newspaper or turn on the TV I see his snide little face spouting pretentious, self-satisfying rubbish about the depravaties of modern pop culture. It's POP culture Pauly Worley, you know, that thing upon which you built your name. Now go away and employ your tiny little mind in something other than attempting to prove your superior intellect. Phew! That's better.